With the many challenges of the pandemic, parenting has become a completely novel experience to adapt to. Living in more isolated times, parents have taken on roles that go beyond the typical boundaries of family life: friend, playmate, teacher, coach, chef, task rabbit, and on and on. Moms and dads are extending themselves beyond their given roles, all while managing co-parenting relationships and holding down full-time jobs. Yes, it has been quite an unprecedented time in parenting.
The overwhelm of the pandemic and the changes it has wrought in family life can bring parents outside of our window or tolerance, keeping us stuck in fight, flight, or freeze. When we’re in these states, we lose our ability to remain relationship focused—those around us, even our children may appear as a threat to our survival. When parents move to these survival states, it’s only natural for children to sponge the energy in the home and act out themselves…oy!
How can parents manage their survival states in a time like this? The first step is to understand what it means to be in in our window of tolerance. When we are in our window of tolerance, we’re able to tolerate new information, take in activating events, and remain socially engaged. The window of tolerance means in family life, parents stay with the emotional connection with their children. That’s the frame of reference to operate from—when we stray, emotional connection is the place to journey back to.
Part of the human experience means we will leave our window of tolerance at times. Tracking is another tool that helps us understand when we have left our centered parenting. Tracking is as simple as knowing when we are hungry, tired, or need to go to the bathroom. If we can understand our bodies’ cues, we can track our emotional states, particularly the states that move us away from emotional connection.
We know we have left the emotional connection when we:
- See our children through “always” or “never” lenses
- Resent our kids
- Lose our temper more frequently
- Feel fatigued
- Feel isolated
- Feel like we are the only one who is carrying the load
- Consume ourselves in work
- Self-medicate
- Deny or minimize what our children tell us
- Overreact to our children
- Look for someone to blame
- Shut down
- Future trip
Did I miss anything? If you relate to this list, don’t fret. These are natural human reactions (fight, flight, freeze) to coping with too much. With the pandemic, it has often felt like we’ll never reach the bottom—we have witnessed so much trauma. Experiencing this collective trauma combined with our personal life challenges is a lot to manage. Having compassion for ourselves is a wonderful place to begin our journey back to emotional connection.
Bringing our awareness to our state of being is a powerful tool. When we allow and name our feelings, it actually diffuses the intensity of our experience. Here’s what it looks like when we name and accept our experience:
- “I’m scared.”
- “I’m numb.”
- “I feel overwhelmed.”
- “This is really hard right now.”
- “It makes sense why I feel this way.”
- “I’m allowed to struggle sometimes.”
Once we name our experience we can begin to look at our coping strategies. Asking ourselves the question, “Will this satisfy me?” can change the decisions we make and lead us to more effective approaches. Instead of pouring another glass, we might step out into the evening air, look up at the sky, and take a deep, cleansing breath. Sigh. Release.
Nurturing ourselves allows us to see others, particularly our children, more clearly. When our emotions are regulated, we can approach our children with humility. That humility can lead us to repair and we can become curious about them once again. When our kids witness us attempt to repair and move on, they experience constancy. This constancy invites the entire family back into the window of tolerance, where our emotional connection holds us lovingly together.
Rebekah Tayebi is a therapist, parent coach, and mindfulness teacher based in Los Angeles. Rebekah helps motivated clients heal from developmental trauma, and supports parents in healing from childhood wounds as they consciously raise their own children. She offers regular workshops, including The Science and Skill of Mindful Parenting and Yoga for Trauma Recovery. For more information about Rebekah’s services, visit her website at satyafamilycoaching.com.